Okay I know this is a photography blog but I do have some thoughts I'd like to share on my life. Being a parent is hard. gut wrenchingly hard. and it's really hard to look at all the facebook statuses that say how awesome being a parent is and how in love with their kids people are. especially when I'm having a rough day with my kids. which is 98.9% of the time. I feel jealous. why am i not farting rainbows over my kids? what am i missing? I'm a stay at home mom with my kids so I'm with them all the time. maybe that's the problem. maybe all these people who have magical moments with their kids all the bloody time don't spend almost every waking moment with them. maybe they feel guilty about being away from their kids and that is why they feel the need to spread their sunshine about their love all over the interwebs. maybe it was incredibly hard for them to get pregnant. maybe they are better parents than i could hope to be. maybe I'm guessing. or grasping at straws here. I don't know. maybe I feel guilty because I had major postpartum depression with both of my kids. so bad that we decided to not have anymore because it might push me to an edge where i might willingly jump. and it sucked that we felt we had to do that. because unless God has other(re: crazier) plans for us... we won't be having another biological child. and I had to mourn that. because it made me sad. and some days... it still does. but that's the choice we made. and i still believe it's the best choice for our family. and my brain.
don't get me wrong, i love my children. I would do anything to protect them from harm. I would walk through fire if they needed me. but the fighting and the backtalk and the selective hearing and the crazy times that make me want to scream into a pillow and give up and run away and cry my eyes out... they happen more than i'd care to admit.
but then i get these moments... few and far between, that make me love it. if even for a moment. tonight for instance, when we were talking about how i went to college and met their dad there. and the little one says "that's where you found dad?" and I said, "yep" and she said "you found him and then you kept him?!" and it just made good sense and it made my heart melt. because yes, dear little maniacal child of mine, i found him and then i kept him. and then the older one asked if I loved anyone else before dad and I said yes, i did. and i explained that sometimes when you are really young you think you are in love but you don't really know what real love is. and she looked at me and said, "because real love is this" and she put her arms around me and hugged me. and yes, crazy emotional backtalking teenager in a six year old's body, real love is this...
it just doesn't fit into my status on facebook.
3 comments:
So honest, true and I can relate. I didn't update my status today because my kids were driving me bonkers. Those moments ( like the smart, clever one you shared) make it worth it. It is like a rollercoaster. I just wish we spent more time at the top then freefalling to the bottom.
I love your pictures. But love that you shared this. More woman relate then you would think. I know I do.
People only put the good stuff on Facebook, rarely do they put the crappy stuff, cause that would mean their lives aren't as 'perfect' as they make it seem!! I love you to the moon and back! You are an outstanding mother, don't lose sight of that.
~ Your Baby Sister xo
I relate. I really, really do. I would like to be single again some days. You know, where the only person you have to look after is yourself, you can clean and things will stay clean, you can go to the washroom BY YOURSELF... those sorts of things.
But then, those random delightful actions, statements, hugs make it all worthwhile.
I try to only post the funny stuff because, well, the rest of it is depressing, frustrating and exhausting. And anyone who says it isn't is either delusional or a liar.
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